Insightful Statuses

Tried to donate blood today, but they had too many questions about where I got it.

Have you ever wondered how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up?

Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.

Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas, thanks & congrats class of 1:47

Damn girl are you a Prius because you’re giving me no sounds or indications that you’re turned on right now.

Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs. I'm sure gonna miss her.

If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.