There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
It's almost "It's not even Thanksgiving yet and they're already decorating for Christmas!" season.
I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Who wants to learn Roman numerals? I for one.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"