Insightful Statuses

If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

I’m going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i’m correct, they should owe me $950

I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"

It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up."

My Tinder Rule: If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you're buying me drinks until you do.

"If by "cat person" you mean I sleep a lot and will lose my temper with you without provocation, then yes, I'm a cat person."

I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.