Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Spooning leads to forking.
Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption".
I'm thinking of investing in a fireworks company. I hear the market is booming!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Kailey: Matt, you'd be a great father... Mom: No, he'd be a shitty father, but a great sperm doner... What does THAT mean?!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.