Insightful Statuses

Note to self... next time my wife asks what's on tv, don't say dust

If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service

My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.

7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower

Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.