Insightful Statuses

I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness".

The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won't be tempted to eat it later.

There should be an observation deck at Walmart.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.