Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It's so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
What's the difference between kissing ass and brown nosing? Depth perception.
Robert Zunick
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Amigo
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Amigo
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.