It's so cold outside I just saw Richard Simmons wearing pants.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
When one door closes another one opens. Apparently I really need to get my car fixed...
C'mon Netflix, we both know I'm watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would probably take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
My favorite Transformer is Amazon Prime.