I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I heard that Peyton Manning was on steroids. The only thing that got bigger was his forehead.
I put on my pants just like everyone else. Reluctantly.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won't spill the wineglass on the other side, you're probably an alcoholic.
Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.