My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Who decided to call them exes and not stalemates?
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you're probably a weatherman.
I bought powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.
Goldilocks was a hipster: Hardly liked anything, and she tried to eat porridge before it was cool.
I'm going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.