If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, “I don’t get it, can you explain it.” Then watch them crash & burn.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you're being chased by a giant spider.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It's easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald's
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Someone complimented my summer tan today and I was too embarrassed to tell them, "At this age, it's my liver spots connecting."
I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.
How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair in a ponytail...