Insightful Statuses

Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

Why to vegans eat things like tofu burgers? "Oh, I'm morally opposed to meat but I like to pretend that I'm not."

Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." but the judge didn't buy it.

Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first.

I had sex in a cemetery once. That's as close to death as I want to come.

Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.