Insightful Statuses

I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

My ex-girlfriend was like a dwarf star. Extremely hot but not very bright.

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot.

Let's all pause for a moment of silence for all of those people stuck in traffic going to the gym to ride a stationary bicycle.

I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.

I once worked as a doorman at a swanky hotel. It was an entry level position.

I love how urban dictionary says "look up any word, like bootylicious"