You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you're not in shape, it's too far to walk back.
Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.
That sky looks a lot like the Crayola crayon shade of "Haul your ass to the basement" purple.
alarm clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
My wife said she needed some "alone time". So I made her a Myspace account.
My psychic friend just thanked me for his surprise birthday party. Looks like I'll have to plan one now.