My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Hey guys! I live in a soundproof house with no doors or windows and I'd just like to thank all 900 of you for your status updates telling me there's a storm outside because I wouldn't have known otherwise and I like to keep in touch with the world. Thank you very much!
Thunder sounds like highly constipated clouds.
Cyberbilly
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Cyberbilly
Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
What does the penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm goin' in!
Cyberbilly
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.