"What do we want?!" "TIME TRAVEL!" "When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!"
Dear sneeze if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and leave.
It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
Just saw "The Lorax." Weird how they got Snooki to grow a moustache!
My wife has given up sex for Lent. Now I know the true meaning of Palm Sunday...
Dear vending machines, I'm sorry if my dollar isn't straight enough for you. Sincerely, stop being so homophobic.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap on my patio. Like he sat there and thought about it.