Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants!
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", that way, my computer just tells me when I forget.
People who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit taste like.
I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure, and called the paramedics.
Did you know that if you hold your ear close to a random person's thigh, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"
I'm still kinda pissed they never actually told us how to get to Sesame Street.
They should stop lying about their ages. Surely they must be Thirtysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles by now.