My wife says I never take her anywhere expensive. So I took her to the gas station.
If people actually became dinosaurs when they aged, no one would complain about getting older.
A lot of children think their parents are all no-ing.
When all else fails, admit I was right.
Thought that was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Turns out it was dubstep.
I don't know anyone's phone number anymore. Once it gets entered in to my phone, it just becomes your name.
Some days you just have to fill the tub with Skittles and pretend to be Godzilla in a ball pit.