I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess!
All I want is a job where I can take credit for somebody else's work.
I can't even get motivated to do nothing today.
Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?
Nothing livens up a speed dating event like a whoopie cushion.
I don't really "wrap" presents. I just kind of smother them with paper and tape until they stop resisting.
Last night, my kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s the last time we go to that mall.