How did people write research papers before Wikipedia?
I bet Jesus gets sick of the amount of wall post alerts he gets on Christmas.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?
Trying to lose weight during the holidays is like trying to stay dry while swimming.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the..."
Don't you hate when you step in gum? You always look like a guy with a prosthetic leg trying to do the moonwalk.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.