*Spoiler Alert!* The milk in my fridge a week past the expiration date.
My dog sheds so much I dropped my jacket on the floor and when I wore it today some animal rights activists threw red paint on it.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
You say "couple holding hands". I say "spontaneous red rover".
Bring your daughter to work day must be awkward for prostitutes.
You say kissing. Cannibals say taste testing.