My mom asked me how Twitter works so I explained it to her. Then she asked if Twitter is the reason why I don't have a girlfriend.
There needs to be a breast cancer awareness t-shirt that says, "Yes they're fake. My real ones tried to kill me!"
"Peeve" would be a great name for a pet.
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick.
Gay guys still undress women with their eyes, but just so they can dress them back up in fabulous outfits.
Chewbacca is like an over-sized pekingese with an auto-tuner shoved in his throat.
I had to poop, but I was in the shower. All of the sudden I needed to fart really bad. I thought to myself sneak the fart out around the poop. Attempted previous thought. Turns out you can't get the black powder out of a gun without firing the bullet :(