Cannibals don't have funerals, just impromptu buffets.
Sad to say at this point in life my nest egg would barely make a crappy omelet.
Sometimes asking if there's anything good on television is like asking if there's anything delicious in the toilet.
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing anymore.
I had a dream about Rick Moranis last night. It was probably his biggest starring role since "Honey I blew up the kid."
It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
My friend said the Chinese take care of aging family members. Hope so! Dropping the mother in law off with her suitcase at PF Chang's later.