When I am bored I like to call random numbers and leave a message that says "I love you too"
Need to kill a few hours? Give someone with OCD a bowl of Alphabet Soup.
The worst fate I can wish upon my enemies is that they get a sudden bout of diarrhea while on stilts.
When I was a little kid I thought a bearded lady was a mythical creature only found at the circus, now I get to work with 3 of them.
Dear my favorite band, don't taunt with emails about how you're performing in Singapore. I live here, where you're not performing.
I bet turtles have one hell of a farmers tan.
Costco sells Guy Fieri marinated meat. At times like this, my tendency to take things literally leaves me with an ugly mental image.