I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours screaming and kept crapping my pants.
There's no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen ninjas.
"Good morning!" is usually the first lie of my day.
Why would anyone become a meteorologist when we've got perfectly good computer models that are never right?
pedicure lady: ohhh you shave your legs for a boy tonight? me: no i shaved them for you! pedicure lady: ohhh that's sad
When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.
Before you repeat yourself, I think it's only fair for me to inform you that I won't be listening to you this time either.