Thanks to pot, every picture I've taken with my photographic memory is blurry and out of focus.
Every year, the day before my wedding anniversary, I celebrate the anniversary of when I was last right about anything.
We didn't default! I haven't been this excited about averting a voluntary disaster since the time I didn't stick my hand in a paper shredder.
Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.
Since M. Night Shyamalan's all about movies that end with a twist, he should just make a movie that viewers enjoy.
Sometimes i feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.
It's hard napping at your desk when you have night terrors. I had to pretend I was screaming about Adobe updates.