"Jesus Chris" is what I'm wriing from now on. If he were to ever come back, I doub he'd want to see ANYHING that resembled a cross.
Thinking no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, finding the owners in bed watching TV. "What's your name?" he says menacingly to the wife at gunpoint. E-E-Elizabeth," she says. This is your lucky day,he says. I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth, that was my mom's name. He turns to the husband. What's your name? My name's Harry, but everyone calls me Elizabeth.
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.
The sign in the grocery store inviting me to 'grab a Red Box tonight' probably took me to a different place than what they had intended.
If Voldemort is such a powerful wizard, why can’t he conjure up a new nose?
Stop taking the little things for granted. If Super Mario ever saw just half of what you were dumping in that Coinstar™ he'd crap his pants.
Ladies. What's with smelling like different fruits all the time? Do you see men eating a lot of fruit? ...try barbecue sauce