Funny Statuses

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

My doctor told me I was actually shrinking. I said tell me what that means. He said I'd have to be a little patient.

You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.

This year, I’m gonna put mistletoe on my ass and let everyone just figure it out.

If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas and he washed my mouth out with soap.