The best present I get every Christmas day is 11 months of not hearing Christmas carols.
When my kid announces that she used the potty, everyone’s so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.
All the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society.
It's so quiet in here I can hear myself think. No good can come of this.
The number of times you've found a hair in your food is not nearly as scary as the number of times you haven't.
Headbanging is even more fun when it's someone else's.
Guy Fieri is the human equivalent of caps lock.