Man: A creature made at the end of the workweek when God was tired.
I'm at a fancy posh restaurant in Los Angeles and this waiter is trying to tuck my napkin down my pants. GOD I HOPE HE'S A WAITER!
Trail mix containing chocolate is just a deconstructed candy bar.
If I were a teenage babysitter today making money, I would resent it when I grow up and have to raise my own kids for free.
Whenever I eat refried beans I think about how the guy who fried them first must have done a crappy job.
Remember that being called weird is like being called Limited Edition. Meaning you're something people don't see that often.
Believe me, I HATE littering. But I do it anyway because I might be providing a Hermit Crab his dream home.