Funny Statuses

I swear my girlfriend must be Russian. She keeps invading my side of the bed and claiming it as hers.

I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

Orgasms are a lot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don’t really care if you don’t have any pizza.

Technically, we're all half centaur.

I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes