If a car alarm blares for more than 9 seconds without a response, it should be perfectly legal to set the car on fire.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
A Genie once asked me "Do you want a long penis or a good memory?" I forget my response.
A plastic surgeon gets paid way more than a tire mechanic even though they both get paid to fix flats.
"Iron Man" is a super hero. "Iron woman" is a sexist command.
I'm done learning new things until someone can prove to me that we won't have Google forever.
Picture Darth Vader singing "A Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.