I fart because it's the only gas I can afford.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Novell
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.
Novell
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts