Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the poop instead of wiping with it.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all of the other prescription drugs.
No one is as disturbed as they should be by the fact that the prince in Snow White had to kiss a corpse in the middle of the woods surrounded by seven midgets.
Agoraphobics love inside jokes.
There should be a "sleep in the car" option if you land on someone's hotel in Monopoly.
You call it it multiple personalities. I call it social networking in my head.
I realize there are better things in this world than beer...but beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them.