Amigo
How inconsiderate of that cop to pull me over. It should have been pretty obvious that I was in a hurry.
Amigo
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Amigo
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Novell
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?
Nicholas Eck
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.
I would rather listen to an album recorded by an actual pitbull than Pitbull.
Nothing says "I’ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.