I love when my mom tells me that I should go on more dates as if it's something within my control.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I'm recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep in until noon. I'm a problem solver.
For Christmas I just want summer...
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.