Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Michael Mendoza
My gold fish gets so happy when I take him out of the tank, he starts jumping.
‘No offense but..’ is a quick way to say ‘I don’t want to argue with you, but I think you’re a moron’
Saying, "we can still be friends" after a bad break up is like saying, "the dog died but we can still keep it."
Cyberbilly
A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him my grandmother.
The tag on a curling iron reads "For External Use Only". Now what sick bastard made that necessary?!
Cyberbilly
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.