Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a crap in days...
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too...
Robert Zunick
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would probably take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.