Ordered clothes from Dick's Sporting Goods to be delivered to my work... Sounded like a good idea until a co-worker tells you that "a box of dicks showed up for you"
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
E.B. FlipShank
Sometimes when I'm bored I like to go to the mall, find a great parking spot, and just sit in my car with the reverse lights on.
Cyberbilly
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. It's the same when you are stupid.
Amigo
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Robert Ryder
I always thought putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhhhh... Not another word" was super-romantic; apparently the judge didn't think so.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.