Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.
Thank God I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 5000 times a day.
I want piñatas at my funeral so people can be happy, but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
I feel bad for lions at zoo. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?
I never run voluntarily so if you ever see me running you should start running too because something freaky is coming.