What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Amigo
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
Novell
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"