"Doctor doctor I think I need glasses." "This is the post office."
Just saw a sign that said: free to a good home-young cat-speaks spanish. El meow-o?
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I once woke up next to a beautiful girl and thought 'Yes!' only to have her wake up, see me and mutter 'Thats it, No more drinking for me!'
Why are 2 of the 3 judges on "America's Got Talent" British? Has America got no judging talent?
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
If anyone thinks Ramen noodles and Ritz crackers constitute a meal, then yeah, I'm totally a chef.