Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don't make enough money to have a drug problem
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I ever buy cheap toilet paper!
Cyberbilly
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Runway modeling is a lot like car racing. High maintenance objects going in circles & the entertaining highlights are when someone crashes.