Just farted what sounded exactly like an elderly woman yelling "Hai-ya!" through a mouthful of pudding.
I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again.
They say you find love if you're not looking so I'm gonna blindfold myself and dive into a pit full of handsome architects and professors.
Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.
I really question the King's judgement in sending horses to put Humpty Dumpty back together.
Before I tweet I pause for a millisecond. Then think "screw it" and press the send button. Thank God I'm not in charge of missiles.
Women with dreadlocks are my best chance to ever get married due to their obvious long-term commitment to awful decisions.