I'll never understand how I get so much joy from covering my pets with blankets and watching the lumps move around
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
If you tweet a picture of a meal you're about to eat, you have to also tweet a pic of the dump you take the next day.
My Doctor told me low vitamin D levels are a Diabetes risk. Well, what he actually said was “Go outside, Fatty.”
I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."
I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.