Don't get so puffed up when someone calls you a pillar of the community...so was Lot's wife.
"Hold your breath it gets better." - Aladdin/David Carradine.
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Men are the best cooks Because with 2 eggs, 1 sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a girl's tummy for 9 months.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
It's amazing how once you stop thinking with your wiener all the time, the ladies finally let you use yours.
I want to raise my kids like I was so when I change the TV channel I make my kid get up and pretend to turn a dial.