Fresh Statuses

It's Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I've spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can't help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn't then have to know them the rest of your life.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll definitely turn around and look.
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkeys, I didn't believe her. Then I saw her face. . .
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