Fresh Statuses

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
The risk I took was calculated, but MAN am I bad at math.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
2017 doesn't need an extra hour.
I set my clocks back this morning and had another breakfast.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
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