If a vampire put a mirror in one side of a pair of glasses, they could see 360 degrees at one time.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it's always perfume.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family Friends Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
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