Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it's in walking distance.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
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