I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.
Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.
While someone is speaking to me, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Police Officer: "TURN AROUND" Me: *sings* "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round…"
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