The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
‪I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house. It was delicious. ‬
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you can't say anything nice, say something clever, but devastating.
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