United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I'm ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
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